A reflection on perfectionist avoidants in relationships.
Over the years, I’ve met people who were genuinely kind, deeply moral, and thoughtful in the way they moved through the world. And yet, despite their warmth and solid character, in their close relationships, especially romantic ones something always felt a bit… hard. I wouldn’t call them difficult in the traditional sense. They didn’t create drama, they weren’t rude, they didn’t try to dominate anyone. But there was this quiet emotional distance I couldn’t quite cross. Conversations stayed polite, emotions rarely ran deep, and no matter how much closeness was offered to them, something invisible seemed to hold them back.
I’ve got my own patterns and defenses. But this particular kind of interaction left me wondering: why is it that some of the most intelligent, really, brilliant people, can sometimes feel so unreachable?
If you havent yet read about attachment styles I highly recommend it. It really helps to understand oneself, the way we relate to the world and what can we do to form more solid relationships with those people we love, especially in the dating space.
A couple of days ago, I was reading about attachment styles. This is something I do often, but there was something that spiked my interest. I came across a description that helped me make sense of this: the Perfectionist Avoidant. What makes them so paradoxical is that they actually do want (some kind of) connection. They also crave intimacy sometimes like everybody else, just perhaps in less frequency, but their fear of vulnerability and of being seen as anything less than perfect keeps them from letting people in. It‘s not that they don‘t care, it‘s that their inner alarm system goes off the moment closeness threatens to expose their perceived flaws.
This subtype of avoidant personality doesn’t get much attention, probably because from the outside, things look fine. These are the people who are high functioning, reliable, and often accomplished. They might have long-term friends and close family ties. But inside, they carry a heavy burden. A relentless voice tells them nothing they do is ever good enough. Their fear of imperfection, known as atelephobia, quietly governs their decisions, causing them to avoid anything where there’s a risk of messing up, including emotional closeness.
It turns out that their perfectionism isn’t about vanity or pride. It’s a defense. A way to prevent embarrassment, shame, or being seen as flawed. For a portion of them, it’s tied to something called Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). This type of perfectionism becomes toxic because it stops them from connecting authentically. To feel truly close to someone requires the willingness to be a bit messy, a bit vulnerable, and for perfectionist avoidants, that’s terrifying. But it’s their nervous system that becomes a wreck the second the self-image is in jeopardy.
In romantic relationships, this pattern can be heartbreaking for both sides.
For their partners, it often feels like loving someone through a glass wall. There’s little room for emotional messiness. No space to say, “I feel off today,” or, “I need comfort,” because the avoidant partner might interpret that as a sign of weakness or as something they’ll inevitably fail at. Whenever their partner expresses feelings or discomfort about something, they genuinely hear it as an attack. Their high standards for themselves also often extend to their partner, not in a controlling way, but more like an invisible pressure. The result is that the partner may end up feeling unseen, constantly measured, or unsure if they’re ever truly enough.
This isn’t sustainable. And it’s not what either person wants.
According to studies, around 2.4% of the population lives with Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD). And while that may seem like a small number, it’s likely underdiagnosed, especially among high-achievers who fly under the radar. When it comes to relationships, maladaptive perfectionism is strongly linked to lower satisfaction. One study even found that socially prescribed perfectionism, the kind that believes “I must meet others’ expectations perfectly,” is directly correlated with greater interpersonal tension and disconnection.
So why bring this up?
Because awareness can be powerful. If you’re someone who recognizes yourself in this pattern, someone who avoids closeness out of fear of getting it wrong, please know that this isn’t a life sentence. Therapeutic support can help you unpack the roots of your perfectionism, develop kinder inner dialogue, and most importantly, learn to trust that love doesn’t require you to be flawless. It takes courage.
And if you’re on the other side, loving someone who pulls away even if they care deeply, it might help to know that their silence or withdrawal isn’t always a lack of love. Sometimes it’s fear wearing the mask of self-control. But for a relationship to thrive, that fear has to be named and faced. It takes patience.
Emotional intimacy isn’t about getting everything right, or just being „good people“. It’s about showing up in the relationship. Imperfectly. Consistently. Together.
